It’s still unclear as to whether I’m renovating a house or a soul
On hitting geometric milestones. On evolving commitments. On renovating an old house. And what all of those things are teaching me about non-attachment.
Upgraded commitments
This is my 22nd essay since I started writing publicly eight months ago. (22 is such a cool number. Also, I totally missed any other round number that would have been a more logical milestone to celebrate. I really wish I were the kind of person to remember logical milestones.)
It’s been the most surprising journey. It’s allowed me to reflect openly and hear from many people going through similar “thought work”. Keep it coming. I live to talk about messy things.
It’s also created a “self-commitment” to keep exploring and growing. It’s given me new friends. It’s even pulled me organically into coaching. Amble has been a beautiful experiment. Growing. Evolving. And in that spirit - I’m changing things up.
I’ll be playing around with the content and the format. Sometimes, it might be shorter. Sometimes, longer. It will include snippets of things I’m into, in the form of a short round up of links. I’ll also be writing when I feel like it. No more “weekly schedule”. And I’ll be publishing when I feel called to it. It’ll be a surprise delivery to your inbox every time. Prior commitment to consistency is getting upgraded to a commitment to my energetic capacity.
you’ll be proud.Because - the reality is - I’ve been battling with myself over the past few weeks. Waged a true war on myself.
The unbearable juice-lessness
With the new house and renovations in full swing, the meditation teacher training, a few coaching clients, and - let’s not forget that small, little, tiny thing: my full time job - I haven’t been able to find much time to write. And even when I do - I’m finding myself juice-less. My creative essence has evaporated. Replaced by a mounting pressure to have “stuff” to write about. The effortlessness of an idea popping into my head, which easily turned into a reflection, which quickly became an Amble essay… has dried up.
One of the pillars of Yoga as I’m learning is the concept of “non-attachment”. We attach ourselves to so many things. To how things should be. To our own thoughts. To our singular experience of reality. Which essentially means living in a constant state of gripping and defensiveness. I’ve been gripping the idea that I should be writing weekly. That I should be a “consistent” presence in your inbox. Because if I’m not, then it surely must mean I am failing. Airtight logic.
If I’m being honest - the only thing “popping” right now for me has to do with tiles, faucets, hinges, appliances, light fixtures, grout colors. (Which I am pretty sure isn’t what you’re here for.) And money.
A lot of my time is currently spent thinking about money.
Everyone talks about it, yet no one really tells it like it is
People warned me about the forever-expanding renovation budgets. And yet, nothing can quite prepare you for this. Just. How. Much. Money. It. Takes.
You might quickly see that money and non-attachment really don’t mix well. Like if you want to be a broke-ass fool then, yeah, sure practice non-attachment to money. Tell you what - invite me for an interior design shoppings spree - I’ll gladly help you!
Here’s the surprising bit. That’s not actually how it goes down. It’s more nuanced and… mercenary?
On the one hand, I find myself letting go off the idea that I can squeeze in all the things I’d want to do, into our budget. On the other, I’m parting ways with the notion, that we could actually stay within the budget we gave ourselves.
Which really is practicing non-attachment. I’m growing non-attached to the idea that somehow my renovation experience will be different from the experience of virtually anyone who has ever renovated. My ego wants me to be the “we-stayed-within-our-budget” snowflake. While there’s an avalanche of all the other renovating mortals rolling past. “Oh you went over your budget? Gah. I feel for you. We were so lucky to stay within ours.” What a joke.
Buddhist trust falls
You can see how meditation training is coming in handy. “I am the sky. Everything else is the weather.” (Wish this were a reflection of reality. I’m more like on the condensation journey to maybe one day becoming the sky.)
Here’s the thing my meditation teacher offered. “In order to detach yourself, the path starts and ends with the belief that something greater has your back.” I dig that. I want there to be a “someone” who can “catch me” when I let go. It’s the trust fall of Buddhism. By surrendering control and placing faith in something more powerful and greater than our own tiny speck-ness, we can maybe finally unclench. By believing that someone has it all planned on our behalf - we can maybe let go of our expectations. The sense that there’s a “fall back” maybe creates an opening for a deeper sense of peace, freedom, and paradoxical interconnectedness. Because if “someone” or “something” has us covered, wouldn’t that imply they must actually care about us? What a relief.
The Practice
Where are you clenching? What are you gripping to? Where do “shoulds” come up for you? Identify a theme among the “shoulds”. Let go of one recurring theme this week. Give that theme a name so you can label it. Name it every time you spot it or feel it.
A few questions to ask yourself as provocations:
In what way is my clenching perpetuating a shitty pattern for myself or for my loves?
What’s the worst possible thing that could happen if I let it go?
Cool little thing to do with that… recite the serenity prayer or repeat a little mantra (e.g. “Fear holds on, love lets go”) whenever your particular theme comes up. Use it as a way to consciously unclench and untether.
Random collection of things
☕️ For anyone who’s given up coffee… As I’m reading and learning a lot about pranayama techniques in my meditation training (more to come on this soon) - I stumbled across a particularly amazing technique.. The ultimate way to quickly energize without coffee or other stimulants. Better than Coffee?! One Minute Exercise to Energize!
🌅 For anyone who gets triggered by “awakenings”…
is someone I’m constantly impressed by. What started as vulnerable sharing of his mental health journey and checking out of hustle culture, has now evolved into www.clues.life - all created by one man. Man on a mission. Best piece of writing on the internet this week.🤖 For anyone not living under the rock and mildly (or severely) terrified of generative AI… I really didn’t think I’d include this, but alas… Two things to watch on the topic. Slightly dated, but still relevant despite pace of progress. Most other commentary is noise.
🩺 For anyone with weird unexplained symptoms… Something that doesn’t get talked about enough - iron deficiency in women and herbivores. Iron deficiency shows up in many ways - fatigue, infections, hair loss, shortness of breath, cold hands and feet, headaches, dizziness, pale skin, bad nails, sore tongue. It’s a recurrent conversation I have with so many people. And I always recommend what I believe is the best iron supplement on the market, the only one I trust. Others just wash out of your system immediately - i.e. do nothing. Pro tip: couple that with a few sessions of acupuncture for rapid results.
Non-attachment is fascinating to explore and practice. For me, the power of it is when it is viewed in the context of love. The duality of being deeply in love, yet being unattached, is a Koan that's hard to wrap the head around, but it taught me the most. Sure, it's easier to understand that we shouldn't be attached to material things, like fancy cars etc. But shouldn't we be attached to the people we love? Or should we not? I'm not sure if you've ever watched Chef's Table on Netflix, but I especially love the episode with Jeong Kwan: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6541634/ For me, she taught me about the paradox of non-attachment and love. Alan Watts also has lectures on it that led to a few epiphanies for me as well. PS: thank you for the shout out. I appreciate your support and encouragement.