Coulda Woulda Shoulda... Needa?

Most of our lives are guided by the wants and needs of others. The manager who needs that deck ready by 8am on Monday. The kid that needs you right away. The partner who wants your undivided attention. The friend you promised to help with a pitch deck. Or… just riffing here about the holiday season ahead of us… the parent who expects you to be a certain way. 

We've been acculturated to cater to the needs of others since our earliest years. That’s where the fear of disappointing others has its roots. Like it or not - most of our childhood caretakers were perpetually disappointed in us. They wanted us to sit still or straight when we wanted to move. They were impatient with our “irrational” and highly inconvenient reactions, like crying or tantrums. 

And when we did sit still or stopped crying - we were rewarded with a moment of parental connection. So, we’ve learned to squash our organic needs in favor of accommodating those we so desperately depended on as children. The hard thing about that… as adults we find ourselves not knowing what we need. We don’t know what we want. Resonates? 

At the start of my sabbatical earlier this year, I realized that I didn’t have to do anything. I was completely free to choose my adventure. Every moment of every day. To my surprise, the infinitude was immobilizing. Without external validation or expectation, I didn’t know what I wanted or needed. 

Guided by my better half who is a master at doing only the things he feels like doing… I started asking myself “What do I feel like doing right now?” a few times a day. Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Do I need fresh air? Do I need to move my body? The basics. 

Only later, I stumbled on a revolutionary body of research created by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, which shows that our basic physiology is directly connected to our moods and emotions. Turns out, our brains construct emotional states based on an analysis of our “body budgets”. Which is our body’s measure of how thirsty, or hungry, rested, or stressed we are. In fact, that is our brain’s core function! To regulate the complex needs of our bodies. Difficult emotions may not necessarily be the sign of psychological defects - instead they serve as an abstraction of our physiological needs. Emotions start with our physiology. 

“Most of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, but we are actually feeling creatures that think.”

- Jill Bolte Taylor

I started connecting my emotional state to what I was feeling in my body. I stopped masking my organic needs. Goodbye coffee. I stopped quieting my instincts with the “sergeant” voice: “Oh come on, let’s just power through this”. (Yeah, my internal voice usually uses a “we” pronoun, because there’s so many Maria’s inside…) 

I napped when I felt sleepy. I paused on housework if I felt tired. I stepped away from bath time, if I was becoming reactive with the kids. I slowed down to walk if I didn’t feel like running. I started my mornings with belly breaths to feel into my body and to decide what my body needed from me each day. And guess what? It helped me to dig myself out of the anxious-stressed-out crap hole I’ve dug myself into. 

This was my introduction to living in the present moment. It felt profound, yet simple enough to do. It felt kind and a little unfamiliar. And it was revolutionary to me. 

You mean I don’t have to finish this task, I can just rest for a while and then pick back up when I’m ready? You mean I don’t have to be all cheery when in fact I don’t feel cheery? You mean I don’t have to power through things and instead can pause to do something else that nourishes me? Whoa. 

Take a pause right now to ask yourself: “What do I actually need at this moment?” Do you have an immediate answer? Or do you struggle with putting it into words? 

To make the practice of identifying your core needs a regular habit - set a reminder on your calendar, 2 or 3 times a day, to check in with yourself and to ask "What do I need right now?"

For me, right now as I write this, I need to go to sleep. It’s late and I’m still editing this piece. Because I care. But I also care about getting 8+ hours of sleep. Because I know this will make me a better parent, partner, co-worker, friend tomorrow. And that is my value-based choice. To show up as my best self for the people I appreciate. So that’s what I’m doing right now. Going to sleep. 

And what are you going to do about your need, in this moment? 

Can you bow out of a useless meeting to catch a power nap? Can you ask your partner to do the school drop offs and go for a run? Need to vent? Pull up your voice recorder and talk to your best friend (yep, that’s you). Go get a massage. Read a book. Put down the phone. Go amble under the trees. 

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If you enjoyed this piece - I’d love it if you hit reply to tell me what resonated. I’d love it even more if you hit forward to share this with a dear friend, who might find amble helpful. Thank you for being here and ambling along with me.

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