Everyone around me is forging goals, making resolutions, plotting plans, and kicking off new projects. I - on the other hand - am resisting all of these, as hard as I can.
As I’ve said before, I reject all of those concepts. And I’m also rejecting making any life-changing plans in January. I’m holed up in my annual “hibernation mode” which means I feel like accomplishing exactly nada…
But there’s one thing I’m not resisting. And that’s commitments.
And not to anyone. But to yourself.
I can already hear you say: “Come on, it’s ‘potato potato’. Resolutions and commitments are basically the same thing”. And I just cannot agree.
Resolutions are a way of saying to the world: “I want to lose 10 pounds in 4 months to look great when summer arrives.”
Commitments are a way of saying to ourselves: “I want to be healthy, fit, and strong because I care deeply about the body I inhabit.”
Resolutions are short-term, specific, usually extrinsically motivated, and therefore easy to break. Commitments are long-term, values-based, definitely intrinsically motivated, and therefore enduring.
Commitments are important because they make us operate not with the goal of proving anything to anyone. But with the goal of building ourselves up in our own eyes. Commitments aren’t about facing the judgements of others. They’re about facing ourselves. They make us commit to ourselves.
“The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.”
- Martina Navratilova
When we say we will do something and then we don’t, we send a really shitty message to our inner self. We undermine our sense of agency, self-worth, and confidence when we don’t follow through.
In contrast - when we commit and follow through - we get to cheer on ourselves. We get to do the internal high-fiving, back-patting, and kudos-ing. We become our own sources of affirmation and acceptance. (I know I need that…)
For a hot minute, I thought that building habits is the holy grail of transformation. Then it dawned on me that building habits can only work if we first find the right commitments, which accomplishes a few important things:
It puts you in touch with things you actually want to do. Why would you be committing to something you give no shits about? In that way - it’s a prioritization tool.
It gives you a reason to cheer yourself on when you follow through. (This is my personal favorite since “my sergeant” is so loud.)
It works like a forcing function for momentum. Even on your crappiest day, you can probably find something really small you can commit to. Like taking one very long, very deep breath. Or drinking an extra glass of water. Or taking a hot bath after a long day.
Commitments won’t work when they’re about external validation or status signaling. Commitments (and follow through) make us feel super good specifically because no one is watching.
The Practice
If you’re finding yourself stuck and unable to follow through on your own commitments - then be like James Clear. Start super small. And make sure to embody the cheerleader as you high-five yourself for following through. Some ideas:
Drink a full glass of water first thing in the morning
Take 3 deep belly breaths upon waking up, before you do anything else
Sit down to drink your morning cup at your local cafe, instead of grabbing it to go
Going Deeper
If you are ready to do some deeper commitment work - try this more involved method for rewiring your neural pathways. A little like brain writing. A little like journaling. A little intention-setting. A little gratitude-giving.
Pick a note-taking or journaling app that's easy for you to return to every day (try Bare Chats created by my good pal Michelle Ikediobi or Stoic created by a fellow Pole Maciej Lobodzinski - both offer delightful journaling experiences).
Copy-paste the following framework. Complete it daily for as long as helpful. It will feel uncomfortable at first. "Lean into the cringe" - as Oliver Burkeman says.
1/ Today I am committing to [describe the commitment you’re making] - e.g. "Today I am committing to my health and fitness"
2/ I am grateful for [describe in what way the commitment makes you feel grateful] - e.g. "I am grateful for the body I have and the ability to use it in so many powerful ways"
3/ This commitment allows me [describe what it helps you accomplish] - e.g. "This commitment allows me to build up my self-confidence and self-esteem"
4/ Today, I am following through when [describe what you will do with high specificity] - e.g. "Today I am following through when I go for a run in the morning and take a power nap in the afternoon at 3 pm, between meetings"
5/ A few things might get in the way of my commitment and I have a plan for what to do then: [list out what might happen and what you will do] - e.g. “A few things might get in the way of my commitment and I have a plan for what to do then:
If we run late for the school bus - I will take M to school in my running gear and run back home the 3 miles
If more meetings creep up on my calendar this afternoon - I can move my 1:1s to tomorrow and make room for a power nap”
Feels like a tall order? Well - anything worth doing takes time and effort. Do this brain-writing first thing in the morning when you wake up. It takes a few weeks for the brain rewiring to start working its magic. After that - you won’t need the continued practice of writing it all down. It’ll feel like second nature. Or you can decide to move on to a new commitment.
My 2023 commitment is… to surrender more and fight less. With reality. With the flow of life. With my husband’s tenacity. With my willful kids. With the things I don’t control. To take what comes my way, without the grind. To be a “pushover” for the universe’s plan. To accept what is - no more, no less. And that’s what I’ll be focusing on in my brain-writing this month.
Drop me a note with a commitment you want to show up for and I’ll let you know how I’m letting those tides wash over me…
If you enjoyed this piece - I’d love it if you hit the forward button and send it to the person that came to your mind as you were reading this. Thank you for being here and ambling along with me.