Can someone please fence me in?

We have a white rug in our home. With 2 small kids it was definitely a questionable decor choice. I take full responsibility.

This is our white rug before it landed in our house and my four-year-old obliterated it.

We also have a rule about the rug. We don’t eat on the rug. Everyone knows this. Generally, everyone abides. (Not that it matters. The rug is definitely no longer white.)

But some days, my 4-year-old is in a mood. Pure mischief and defiance. She pushes the boundaries. The other night, she was holding a chocolate cookie in her hand and dancing precisely on the border between the floor and the rug. With a full-blown grin on her face. Spitting particles of said cookie onto the said rug while she giggles in delight. And yes - it’s the most infuriating and yet most lovable thing you’d ever see.

It made me think of boundaries. Specifically boundaries at and with work. There’s this dance I recognize in myself and others. Between the boundaries we set and the boundaries we often break. The push isn’t always explicit. Sometimes it’s not even an external force. Sometimes it’s our wicked FOMO. We want to join that meeting at 6pm. Even though it’s in the middle of school pick-up. Even when we’ve committed to be fully present for our happy, chatty, interesting little human who is ripe for a moment of connection.

Yeah, it’s a dance. We want to be present with our kid, and we want to be present for this other shiny object. We want to do “both and”. And when we try to somehow juggle both - both things feel useless. Or half-assed. Or plain shitty.

Why do we do this? For me, it might be the skewed self-perception that I can do anything. I’m a perfectionist in recovery. This is the work for me.

Or maybe it’s that future bias thing. I plan for the future and feel great about it, thinking I can do both things at the same time. Then when the moment comes it just doesn’t live up to the hype I've generated in my future projections. Womp womp.

Or maybe it’s the control freak in me who can’t let go. Who must - at all costs - avoid the possibility of breakage or failure. Whatever the case... Juggling two things at once, while fracturing commitments to myself... that definitely suck.

Had to ask chatGPT what it thinks about overachievers. It’s too good not to share. How can this thing be so wise?!

There’s also the sense that when I cannot protect my boundaries, I am removing myself further from my best self. From the version of me that feels aligned with who I truly am. I’ve been reflecting on this the past few weeks, as my life has become more chaotic.

Our family has been sick on loop for three months. Work is demanding - I’m doing a ton of context-switching. My husband recently had knee surgery and is pretty much immobilized. Which is like having three kids and being a single parent. Plus, we’re going through a super big transition, which I don’t even want to name so as not to jinx it.

How do you think I’m doing on my most valued boundaries and commitments to myself? Yeah, not so great. Barely made it to the park even once last week. I’m not sleeping enough, so I'm also not working out enough. With my mental and emotional bandwidth stretched to the limit, I’m snappier with the kids. Getting pulled in so many directions means that I rarely feel present in the moment - in my body or in interactions. It feels like I am defrauding myself. Like I said - not my best self.

So what do I do about it? I’m honestly not sure. I knew this time would come. A time when I would no longer be flying high on my post-sabbatical energy. It’s happening. And it’s happening in February, which is the other armpit of the year and I despise everything about it. All of the above is also why you’re reading this on a Thursday and not a Wednesday.

It’s back to the basics for me. Need to sleep more. Need to return to my daily park walks. Need to notice my breath more. Need to take a chill pill.

Man… I wish a chill pill existed. And no - I don’t mean like a drug-kind-of-chill-pill. Like a real chill pill that doesn’t inhibit your motor skills, keeps your head clear, makes your body relaxed, and deepens your breaths.

Ever wondered what a chill pill product might look like? Well I have an answer for you. Courtesy of DALL-E.

OK, so signing off. By taking a really big breath in and a really slow breath out. Recommend doing the same.

Oh and drop me a note if you’d buy a chill pill if I started making those. This is market research. In case you haven’t figured it out yet.